Probably the hardest thing for me during our family’s 17-year odyssey through Alzheimer’s was this:
To listen to and understand my wife when she was still able to talk and make sense;
And when Martha was still talking but making less sense, to still listen and understand her;
And then in the later stages of this tragic disease, when she was unable to talk at all, to be attentive and understand what Martha was trying to convey to me.
Equally difficult for me as Martha’s caregiver was to find someone who could listen to me and understand what I was going through. I made this more difficult than necessary, at least initially, because I thought I could handle any issue that arose.
Reflecting back on those times, I’ve invited a good friend who over the past two decades has become something of a listening expert to share her insights with us. Martha and I have known Mary Zahl since college days. If you’re familiar with our family’s Alzheimer’s story, you may remember that Mary and her husband Paul, now a retired Episcopal priest, introduced me to an Anglican priest in Australia who I developed a warm friendship with.
Mary Zahl at one of her listening training sessions
Mary says that it was in the mid-1990s that a book titled Listening (now in its 17th printing) caught her eye. She went through considerable training with its author, a British Anglican priest named Anne Long, and subsequently has offered many workshops of her own on how to listen well.
Carlen: Welcome, Mary. Our conversation today may be a bit different from your regular conversations on how to listen well, for many reading this post are having to deal with dementia’s many volatile symptoms. Knowing this, are there some basic principles or attitudes with listening that might be helpful for a caregiver?
Mary: I never want to underestimate the difficulty of trying to listen to someone suffering from some form of dementia. That said, listening well can be learned with practice, and it has more healing power in itself than anything I know. It’s a skill that can be taught, yet is seldom practiced by anyone.
CM: I think back on the times Martha was saying things that didn’t make sense, and I kept trying to correct her. She grew angrier, and I grew more frustrated.
Mary: Listening well doesn’t require you to change your mind, Carlen, but it does require a willingness to sacrifice, at least temporarily, any expression of ‘what I think is right.’ St. Francis said, “A person had not yet given up everything for God as long as he held on to the moneybag of his own opinions.”
CM: I remember our daughter Rachel, who was still in college, being upset that she felt unable to connect with her mother. And apparently I said, Rachel has told me since, that “You now have to step into Mommie’s world, Rachel.” Is this similar to what you’re saying?
Mary: It sounds like it. They say three-fourths or more of communication is non-verbal. I would want to do two things. First, I would be very prayerful. What’s the feeling I’m getting from Martha? I would ask God what she’s trying to tell me. The second thing is to pick up on her non-verbal signals as best I could. Is she anxious? Is she frustrated or fearful? How do I respond to these signals?
It’s important for a person, especially someone with dementia, to feel comfortable, to feel loved and very safe.
CM: Is it necessary to know someone a long time to become a good listener?
Mary: Not really. Do you remember when you and Martha visited Paul and me in Birmingham and met with our friend Janice?
CM: Sure. (That was three or four years after Martha’s diagnosis in 1997; her ability to speak was slipping rapidly.)
Mary: What I remember is Janice being totally focused on Martha. Martha was quite anxious at the start as we sat in a circle…you, Martha, Janice, her husband, and me. You had just met Janice and Peter. As Janice talked and listened to Martha, it was as though no one else was in the room. Janice’s eyes warmly connected with Martha’s blue eyes. She gave Martha her complete heart and soul. In a short while, I could see tears streaming down Martha’s cheeks.
CM: Yes, Martha was being heard; she was being understood. And from that point on during our visit, Janice might as well have been Martha’s long-time best friend.
CM: I found the practice of meditation of real value, both early on when Martha was still able to talk in an understandable way and later when she couldn’t talk. It helped Martha’s anxiety and mine go way down. Does this fall within the scope of what you call “listening?”
Mary: Yes, in meditation you are learning to let go of your thoughts. That is akin to being a ‘non-reactive listener’. The two practices work hand-in-glove in developing a respect for silence. But many have difficulty developing a comfort level with silence. It takes practice. If your loved one is talking with you and your silence becomes awkward for her, you might break the silence and say, “Would you like to say more about that?”
But don’t ask informational questions. They have nothing to do with what your loved one is trying to say and will cause the conversation to stay at the surface when your goal is to enable emotional depth so that healing can take place.
Mary with ‘Listening’ author Anne Long
CM: What about me as the caregiver? I had no one to listen to me at first; in fact, it didn’t occur to me that I needed anyone. Eventually I was fortunate that a series of mentors seemed to arise at just the right time. If I wanted to, how could I have found someone to listen to my ongoing feelings and concerns? Looking back, I may have known a couple of persons who were capable of listening as you describe it.
Mary: The person you seek out doesn’t have to be a professional counselor or priest or minister. A friend will do. They probably would be honored that you asked. As for guidelines for listening, I’ve published some in the back of my husband Paul’s latest book. (Peace in the Last Third of Life: A Handbook of Hope for Boomers).
(Please note: I’ll list these at the end of our conversation.)
CM: What about a caregiver support group? I couldn’t find one back in 1997, but there seems to be plenty around today.
Mary: That’s definitely a possibility. I would suggest, however, that after the group members share among themselves as a whole that they pair off for one-on-one listening sessions. Find someone you’re comfortable with and they with you. Then take turns listening to each other. Set a time limit for each one listening, for as little as five minutes and as much as fifteen. And use guidelines similar to what I previously mentioned, such as don’t tell your own story in response to theirs. You may think you are expressing empathy, but you are simply redirecting the conversation back to yourself and, in effect, silencing your partner. And don’t offer advice, which can make it all about you, the listener.
If you are comfortable with each other, continue to pair off with them at each of your support sessions. You may even want to listen to each other when outside the group. This kind of listening is just so powerful.
CM: How can I know if I’m listening well with my loved one? And if I’m being well listened to when I’m sharing with another?
Mary: In my training sessions I often ask the participants to say the word that comes to mind when I ask: “What did it feel like when you were listened to?” Here are some of the words I typically hear in response: Loved, valued, important, heard, relieved, accepted, understood, energized.
I also ask them to picture a time when they were not listened to. What did that feel like? These are some of those words in response: Invisible, empty, angry, deflated, depressed, helpless, unimportant, rejected, dismissed, unloved.
CM: You’ve got a lot of information here.
Mary: Initially it may not sound like it, but listening well is fairly simple. It does require a few things, such as the desire to listen and to be listened to. Also, practice is important, like learning any other skillset.
You’ll find that listening well is a threefold process: Listening to your loved one or designated partner, listening to yourself, and listening to God, all at the same time. The more you’re able to sacrifice your need to react, the more you begin to see lifelong patterns within yourself. It’s amazing to become aware of your emotional reactions and patterns.
CM: Anything else you’d like to share before we close?
Mary: Just a few practical pointers. First off, find someone you trust to keep your confidence, someone who’s willing to dedicate 30 minutes of time to listening and being listened to without comment or questions. This is not the same as a conversation. Also, find a time and place where neither of you will be distracted. Remember to turn off your phone. Decide who will be the first speaker, touching on something that has disturbed you recently, or something about which you need to sort through your feelings.
When the speaker has finished, ask the following questions in turn: 1) Of all that you have been saying, what do you think is most important? 2) Is there anything you would like to do about what you have said? After each reply, the listener repeats back what the speaker has said, but without interpretation. Then when the first speaker has used her allotted time and answered these questions, the roles are reversed.
CM: I find this conversation most helpful, Mary. Thank you. I hope many of our readers do as well.
Mary: I’ve enjoyed this, Carlen. Listening to someone with dementia is on one end of the continuum of listening. It can be really hard, as you and many of your readers know. But your mere silence and presence with your loved one can be truly healing. Listening well must come from the heart, and not just the mind. It involves sacrificing the need to speak and to be heard yourself.
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Mary Zahl’s Guidelines for Listening Well
Says Mary: “There are a few principles in good listening, which, when followed, almost always enable graceful healing to take place.” Adapt these guidelines as you need, whether you are listening to your loved one with dementia, or to another caregiver in a support group, or a friend is listening to you:
Look the speaker in the eye warmly and while giving them your full attention.
No interrupting, ever. Most people listen with the intent to reply, which is not really listening at all.
No giving of advice, in spite of how much insight you think you have. By not giving advice, you show that you trust the person to give herself advice, which she is infinitely more likely to follow than your wisest, most loving intention. Your advice will almost always set up a rebellious reaction, and it often falls into the category of your ‘personal need to help’, when your help is not being solicited.
Do not tell your own story in response to theirs. You may think you are expressing empathy, but you are simply redirecting the conversation back to yourself and, in effect, silencing the speaker.
No asking of informational questions. They have nothing to do with what the speaker is trying to say and will cause the conversation to stay at the surface when your goal is to enable emotional depth so that healing can take place.
Do not minimize or spiritualize. This communicates, “I do not take your pain seriously.” Or, more likely, the speaker’s pain is making you, the listener, anxious. Or, perhaps you hear an inner voice to ‘witness,’ telling you to quote scripture. These responses are about the listener, not the speaker.
Develop a comfort level with silence. Only if the silence becomes awkward for the speaker, you might say, “Would you like to say more about that?”
What the speaker says is confidential, always.
Finally, learn to listen to what your loved one is not saying.
Thanks to each of you for listening to Mary share her thoughts on listening well.
Carlen Maddux
carlen@carlenmaddux.com
www.carlenmaddux.com
PS1 Remember, November is National Alzheimer’s Month. One good way to honor this is to buy a sheet of Alzheimer’s stamps, which were recently resurrected and will be available until November 2027, or until the stamps are sold out. If it’s not yet available at your local post office, you can always buy some online at the USPS store.
PS2 If you’d like to sign up for my blog, there’s no charge; just click here.
PS3 My book, A Path Revealed: How Hope, Love, and Joy Found Us Deep in a Maze Called Alzheimer’s, can be ordered from any bookstore or found on Amazon. I share our family’s 17-year odyssey of living with this disease. My high-energy wife Martha was 50 when diagnosed; I was 52. Our three children were still in high school and college. But Alzheimer’s is not the focus of our story; it’s the context. The focus is the spiritual odyssey that unfolded before us, sometimes in strange and surprising ways, other times in the most ordinary of ways.
